COCK

I thought everyone would like to see the cock who keeps emailing me photos of his cock.
That way he might stop.
It's all a bit boring, and a bit, well, ginger..and I'm not likely to go there again.

And besides, why would I wanna look at whitebait, when I can have whale?.....

Does anybody remember.....

Just wondered if anyone remembered that song by David Bowie and Pat Metheny "This is Not America".....sha la la la la larrr??
Well Spikey Mickey has released a re-mixed version of it, its called "This is Not a Knocking Shop"......sha la la la la iarrr......

Yes it is.......

And yes that is Prince Charles doing the bins.....we only get quality bin men in the Village........

Spikey saves the day......

After near disaster on Monday when the Bin Men didn't turn up (this was compounded by 'Goody Two Shoe's' Heifer bringing the bins back in even though they where still full!!!!) Spikey Mikey using his acute sense of hearing picked up the sound of the Bin Wagon, ran out, gathered the bins and overlooked their emptying and brought the empties back in, all this while the other residents slept soundly. An act worthy of his status in the village!!!!!!

OTT......

Even thought the residents of the village are aware that this is a low reception area and a quality TV antenna is required....it would appear that Alicks and Heifer's new aerial was a little excessive.......

Spikey be afraid, be very afraid..

God give me strength......

Seems like i spoke too soon. I've just put the bins and the recycling box's out(brownie points please) and low and behold there's paper in the glass and tins box!!!!!!!

Ha Ha Ha thats wot u get......

It would appear that Head Girl(although its only a rumour!!) Heifer's little plan to have all the residents Butt F*@ked by the water board has back fired, as Spikey Mikey and the beautiful ClairyFairy are on water meters. Turns out Heifer is not.....and she use's the least water cos she's hardly here. Eh maybe you might just shut the f*@k up in future......now there's justice for you....paying for what you don't use instead of what you do!!!!!

Is it Alicks is it.........

New evidence has come to light that Alicks may actually be Mr Magoo and not as first thought Penfold although he could be the illegitimate son of both fathers...!!!!

....you know her so well........

And for those of you that know her this picture says it all!!!!!

Betty Boop we love you.........

Now the secrets out ClairyFairy is Betty Boop just look at the picture's its obvious....

Paper...Steel...Glass...

Not only have the bins not been put out but after our in depth talk ClairyFairy seems to have grasped the concept that paper is in fact not the same as glass or steel and has started to separate the waste accordingly....

After a very successful St.George's night celebrations in The CowPat Arms, Pervyn has made enough money to hire a Polish immigrant to cut his grass......

Meet The Parents

The 'Rents are coming.
God give me bagloads of patience to cope with:

• Are you eating?
• Are you dressing sensibly?
• Are you still going out with that chap?

No
No
No

End of. You've got what you came for, now go home ;o))

Spikey Mikey is in shock because its now Sunday morning over 24 hrs before the bin men are due and the bins have not been put out by ClairyFairy. Is she ill, can she not fine a suitable pair of Alexander McQueens to carry out the task in (work it baby!!) mmmmmmm who knows maybe its because i had a quiet word yesterday that we would still pay the same council tax no matter how early she put them out.

Confessions of a Spikey Window Cleaner

Spikey's clearly feeling the pressure of bad press.
We all know he doesn't put out the bins. BUT neither does he help Heifer move her furniture. And she looks old. And she has a bad back. And she's a woman. Heifer is not feeling the Spikey love, even though Spikey is convinced she fancies him.This is a genetic male defect. All men think that every woman fancies them. Being sarcastic and withering in tone to them, will only make them think that you want to shag them even more. (Name Check: Ginger Beard)
In any case, he's cleaned all our windows today. Well, he didn't clean Heifer's, but he did clean mine.Therefore, I will be publicising Spikey's neighbourly crimes and misdemeanours more often, and Heifer and Spikey will just have to have it out or have it off over the adjoining wall!

Grazia

Box ticking in the office with Pepperpot yesterday.

She was all 'Grazia' Magazine:

* Who you gonna vote for in the General Election?

* What colour varnish shall I get my nails painted?

* Is there a God?
* Harem or skinny Cargo Pants?
I was too busy checking out the Xmas Party pull-potential to hear anything but white noise.

So M soz for being graphically distracted by a gorgeous, grungy geek, here goes:
* Holding out to see if anyone offers me cash for votes
*Coral, greige or mint green are so now, dahling
* Yeah he's called Glen
* Skinny Cargo's a la Balmain. Harems are for belly dancers.

The back of Pepperpot's Head

Head Girl

Head Girl, Heifer, girlfriend of Alicks (see earlier blog!) has spent the last 10 months trying to get the Water Board to charge ALL of us residents of The Old Library for our water useage - even though they DON'T KNOW WE EXIST.
Yes people, free water for 10 months with no prospect of having to pay....were it not for Head Girl, Heifer. She called them once a week, every week, for a month, every month, for 10 months until they came out and found out we did actually exist.Today.
Heifer on the doorstop with the man in the Hi-Flo. She had even taken the afternoon off work to make sure the Water man did indeed actually find us. Which he did. Even though up until today we didn't actually exist.
Heifer can H2O off!

CowPatriotic Arms

St George's Day at The Cowpat's

It's taken a whole day of bunting and flag erecting, and I've seen a fair bit of old-age bum cleavage out on the ladders, but finally The Cowpat's is dressed appropriately for the St George's Day party tomorrow night.

Considering that Pervyn is Welsh and Leaner is Swedish, hosting a party to celebrate an English Saint's Day is slightly ironic, but hey if it brings in the punters...

And the punters will be pouring through the doors at 7pm tomorrow night as they are putting on more of their notorious 'Live Music'....Apparently, it's an Tribute Act, called "AMY WINEDUCK". Even I haven't got any words for that....!

BabyDaddy

...is here. He's all tears and fears.
I would be crying too if I were wearing those red & black trainers.

Like 2 giant Ladybirds on his feet.

Day 24 of BabyDaddy's Big Ginger Beard
I've realised who he reminds me of now.......

Chiseldon Car Parking Chaos

Slimmers' World at the Community Centre tonight meant bun fight for Parking Spaces. Kinda ironic seeing as exercise is one of the key ways to lose weight...they should be WALKING to Slimmers' World, not driving!

Forget red days and green days.

My Diet Tip: Don't Eat, Drink (Gin and Slimline).

Might get Scurvy, but at least you will be thin.

Dear Nev....

I saw this and thought of you.

Thanks for never shouting at me when I jabbed my laptop screen with my false nail and cracked it. The screen that is..the nail was fine.

Nev's Reaction to the Blog so far...

"Girl, reading that stuff has brought me to one simple conclusion. You are way more off the wall than I ever gave you credit for. I mean seriously out there. It's like you haven't even seen the wall for months. Maybe never.
It looks good on you, btw :)

So how are you? Still selling the world to people who didn't know they wanted it? How am I? So sweet, thanks for asking. I'm okay. I could be out on my ear tomorrow when I see HR just after lunch. Not sure if I get to choose which ear, but I'd feel bad about having to pick one over the other anyway so maybe it's best to leave it to them.

Not that I'm fussing. It happens. Just have to hope it's a sunny summer and chill for a few months. Well, once I get back from Singapore and Perth anyway.

So anyway, I remember you used to write things which made sense to normal people (I got others translate for me) so let me know how you're getting on. No, not next month. Do it now. I will not be ignored. Hello? I said I wouldn't be ignored. Are you even listening to me???

Have a simply super day :) "

Nev

The 2 Garrys..

Grey-haired, you look like the boy Lineker. Only greyer.

Action Man!

Loving Al following the blog.
He's a proper live Action Man.

Click this link to see him in action. Next stop Hollywood!..
http://vimeo.com/10528248

Follow his blog at:
http://al-peasland.blogspot.com/

Amanda Sell-Fishy-Hooks - BFF # 2

Mand - the woman with the biggest metaphorical *ollocks I have ever met.

Her facial expression upon seeing a photograph of my ex-husband would have saved me £235 for the marriage license, and £40,000 in subsequent legal bills to the divorce lawyer had I witnessed her eyebrow action 18 months earlier....

7.45AM

Shook, rattled and rolled my gate loudly as I left this morning. It's right outside Spikey's bedroom window so that should have given him a rude awakening from an exhausting night of crime busting.
That's for the bins, Spikey!

Wait until tomorrow morning, when ABS in his wannabe Jamie Cullum phase gets his electric toy piano out at 6am...... that'll be heard through the walls nicely.

Predicted Spikey Scale: 8

Quiz Night....

At The Cowpat's Arms Tonight hosted by Pervyn & Leaner

The Only Question is...Is there nothing on Telly?...

Geek Treat of the Week

Greg Wallace

G&T Scale: 3 doubles, no ice, on an empty stomach

Putting Out the Bins is a Blue Job

...so why does Spiky lean out of his window and watch me put all the rubbish out? Does he not realise that I am a GIRL. I should not have to do bins. It is not a PINK job.

Worse still, he pretends that the bin men haven't been before he has to go to work.........AT NOON......so he doesn't have to bring the empty bins back in!

He's about as blue as it gets. You can't get bluer than Spiky.....

Feminism is perverted at times

Cagney And Lacey

Meet Partner in Crime - BFF #1 'The Pepperpot' aka Ems

If I had to describe Em in 2 words then those words would be....

PINOT GRIGIO

Garlands Mental Institute

Spikey only managed to mentioned Garlands 4 times in an hour today.

Apparently it is some discotheque north of Watford where Huey, Dewey and Louie spin the decks.

Spikey would throw some shapes to Bay City Rollers whilst sporting a silver cloud with a raindrop for a tear on his left cheek that he'd drawn on with facepaints earlier that evening.
A sorta Liverpudlian Ziggy Stardust doing what all The Young Dudes did back then Rebel-Rebelling the night away, thrusting his hips and hoping some Bananarama girl would look his way... if only he had realised it was a gay club...

Spikey Stardust circa 1982

Personally I think Garlands sounds like the name of a Mental Institute where Spikey was sent after he woke up believing he was Elton John one day.
His recovery continues now in Chiseldon where he is part of the Care in the Community Scheme.
His carer, Dick, brings him cabbages from the allotment and gives him a sponge bath once a week. Dick even flicks the Flymo over the lawn for him on occasion.
Spikey looks forward to his monthly outing to Jam Night at The CowPats Arms.
Here, if medicated appropriately Spikey once more can relive those True moments of Spandau Gold, rocking slowly backwards and forwards on his barstool in his purple plastic star-shaped sunglasses whilst wearing his Frankie Says I'm Mad T shirt. The kindly locals ignore the snail-trail of saliva from the side of Spikey's mouth.
Maureen and Keith are always first to step up to the microphone. Their opening number is always a Carpenters track. Rainy Days and Mondays always gets toes tapping....

Swingers

Swingers' Night at The Cowpat's Arms tonight. 2 participants makes for a SeeSaw rather than a Swing

Mr Small

ABS is back. Dropped off by ABS Snr who looks like Captain Birdseye.
There is a ginger pubic birds nest on his chin, and a tangerine afro on his head.

Introducing Alicks...

Loves....
Beer, beer, beer and eating.
Arsenal FC.
His holiday home
Jumpers and slacks
His 4x4
Himself

Favourite Film: 'The Mummy Returns' , 'Nanny McPhee 2: The Big Bang'

Is silver sexy?

Oi, Pricey, my life is too techni-coloured. I need some grey, baby.
Am I still your Plus One for the Wedding of the Year? Or has your emotional-fraggle radar found another target?
Your heart has been Robbonated. We could have made Greige together...

Bill and Ben in Threesome Shocker with Daisy

Bill and Ben chillax after homo-erotic session. Daisy remains disappointed. Familiar.

Me with the Oompa Lompas

Silicon Valley

MillyMolly

MillyMolly is looking all dewy and doe-eyed, if a little red of chest at the moment.
She's wearing her new man well.. Loving his chest work- all hair-free and muscley.
Thank God she dumped the Leprechaun with the shiny penis head, Grolsch gut, and ego the size of Spain. He should be a dictator of a small island of 1.
 Never seen anyone do squats like that by the way.

Pervyn in John Major lookalike scandal

Introducing Pervyn of The Cowpats Arms.
Would you buy a pint from this man?

Carbs N Booze

Anyway the rest of the residents' recycling appears to comprise of pizza and beer. Explains Alick's swollen belly...and I thought it was a miracle baby.
Still he partook in some exercise yesterday. Up a ladder fixing an aerial to the chimney with a couple of Carlsberg's in hand.
He's promised me some hedge loppers. I can think of a myriad of uses for those, not much involves foliage.

Are you getting enough fluids?

Put the recycling out. Mine is all slimline tonic cans and skimmed milk cartons.

A testiment to all my fluid intake for the week. Almost...

Rabbit VS Brigitte Bardot

Rabbit rocked a young Brigitte Bardot at Woodstock look to Bath yesterday. You looked hot girl until I took a look at the black opaques. In 18 degrees of sunshine! Now totally loving the undercut, even if it is a bit Mel B.

Is it wrong to Magnolia my walls in my Nick Kirkwood's?

Heels

Why I love shoes more than men...

1. They make you feel good
2. They don't mind being on the end of your feet