Train Shame

On the train to London. Reasons to hate public transport:

• It smells of sweat, cornish pasties and cheap perfume
• There is unidentifiable blobs of stuff on my seat which reminds me of faecal matter
• You'll catch some deadly virus if you touch anything
• Toilet is a no-go zone as men spray all over floor, wash basin and door handle
• You have to read the Metro
• It costs £115 return

England v Slovenia

Pray people, pray

Bye house, bye house, buy my house

Well I have been here 8 months which is 2 months more than I normally live anywhere, so it's time to go. Bored bored bored.

Louie Latest

Louie has bitten me twice. Luckily I kept the receipt......

Louie

More of a tote, than a handbag dog! But here he is.

Double Date

Sat outside having an 'oh my god have I really got to spend all evening in your company' drink with my lawyer date, and who walks over to us..? Dislikey and his bird-of-the week.
A character straight out of 'Big Momma's House', the Jennifer Hudson, pre-baby diet, lookalikey was apparently best buddies with my date. Oh how I loved watching the 3 of them squirming like wriggly worms. Dislikey was smiling/ grimacing/ cringing so hard I could see the plaque on his teeth.
Double date anyone? Nice idea, until I remembered that Dislikey has an 'I'm on the state benefits' budget and the charisma of Steve 'snooker' Davis minus the talent, and that my date was 5'10" going on shorter than me with my heels on - ie a 5' 6" stunt-muffin, and that Big Momma would probably use me as a toothpick after she'd eaten her soup, starter, antipasti, fish course, main, dessert, cheeseboard, whippy  liqueur coffees with double cream, choccy mints, and before-bed pork pie snack

Keith

called me "by mistake"over the weekend.

Funny that as he called from a landline...

I told him to re-dial

Je Suis Robbo

Happy Birthday to me!

Age shouldn't affect you.
You're either marvellous or you're boring, regardless of your age...

Sunday Sunny Sunday

Sunshiney Sunday spent catching rays with ABS. Dick Turfpin entrusted me with his watering can and Weed'N'Feed, and gave me the run of the garden. Result!

Chiseldon Fun Run today. The marshalls were perhaps the worst I've ever seen - and came close to being responsible for 8 fun-runners being mowed down by a Volvo Estate in one go.

Dislikey spent all day indoors with his blinds shut.

Sunshine is clearly for suckers who think the world can be a happy smiley place! Either that or he's under house arrest....?

He had his dullard 1990's dance music on in the lounge, and Radio 2 on in the kitchen. At the same time. Both so loud that I could hear both. At the same time.
Still it made me grateful that I have been blessed with sanity, and good taste in music. At the same time.

Chiseldon Fun Run - Paula's there somewhere if you look closely!

Birthday BBQ

Milly Molly put on a fab B'day BBQ for me! Always an opportunity to get the bazookas out!

Best day babe! Thank you so much. And the cake was brilliant.

Wicked to see Pump Princess too. Need to catch up again v soon. Kids had a blast!

BIG LOVE xx

"I am capable of looking on the bright side, I just don't do it very often..."

Heifer's had her water meter installed. Spikey won't be happy at that. Then again, Spikey or as he will be known from now on - Dislikey - isn't known for his cheerful outlook on life. Indeed he could teach Morrissey a thing or 2 about Misery.

Still no danger of him drowning himself. Now he's on a water meter, it would cost him too much to fill a bathful.

He's spent all his money on Coke.

Heifer's Hair

I do maintain that if your hair is wrong, your entire life is wrong.
Croydon face-lift in your midish-40s?
WRONG.

Kiss My Ass

Milly Molly and I caught some tropical Carribean (sp)rays last night in a tent in her conservatory! 
Wicked bronzing fun in a gun.

We are now smokin' hot and ready to snog all the boys.

 Check out the white patches!

Spikey Island

Spikey has removed his recycling bins. I think this is all part of his ongoing drive for self-sufficiency. In 1 box he will keep chickens, and grow grass in the other. Not sure if the grass is for the chickens or Spikey. This will keep him in omelettes and chicken nuggets, and bring a halt to the weekly supermarket expedition. Now he only needs to leave the house once a month.
More time to spend in splendidly woozy isolation, listening to processed pseudo-Ibizan beats, sleepy with nostalgic thought for those halycon Hawaiian Disco nights at Garlands with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds for a dancing partner.
Sylvia Plath with a penis. She had her Bell Jar. He is a Bell End. Anyway, we all know what happened to Sylvia. Unfortunately, there's no gas supply to the village.

Arrested Development

It's over. Finished. End Of. Last Orders. Knock-out. Time at the Bar. Game Over.
The King of the Chiseldonites is defeated. Usurped. The Chiseldon Cop Revolution against a police-led village. Uprising in the Sticks against the Uniformed Dictator.

Spikey was not allowed to vote yesterday. He does not exist in Chiseldon apparently.
The only official who's officially not official.
The village have bobbed off their bobby by ignoring his very existence in their village.
Oh boy, I love the smell of that Polling Station. It smells like victory.

And so here endeth the reign of Spikey the Village Bobby IV.

Last one to leave turn out the copper Spikey lights.

AND MOVE OVER AS...

To Sell-Fishy-Hooks

This is for all the broken bits you have stuck back together x

Fashion Disaster.....

Although credit where credit is due...'Bottle Bank Bitch' has the fashion sense of a six year old her favorite item at the moment is a variation on that 80's classic.....The Red Duffle Coat.

In Charge.....????

It would appear that the 'Bottle Bank Bitch' is in charge of the bottle bank bins...!!! although why is anyone's guess. Quite what her contribution to the community is f*#k only knows.........

First Impressions..........

We must welcome another member of the community.....although if first impressions count she's a c#nt.......please get your baseball bats out and beat her.....The 'Bottle Bank Bitch'.........

How Long.....

As for the 'CowPat Arms' just how long will those flags stay in situ.........

Reality........

Unfortunately his efforts are leaving a little to be desired.......

The Grass....

Dick Turfpin has recently been playing the role of Alan Titchmarsh in his quest to produce the perfect lawn......

Welcome......

Its now time to introduce another member of the village community to the blog, thankfully this guy has a soft spot in our hearts........Hello, Good Evening and Welcome, put yours hands together and everything else together for the one and only....Dick Turfpin......

Clothed COCK Part 2

Listen freckles, just because you've been exposed exposing yourself, does not mean that we want photos of you in clothes now!

Does anyone over the age of 5 actually wear a T like that?

Hammer House of Horror Holiday

ABS Senior has proposed that the 3 of us go on a family holiday together.........
I was laughing all the way to the Canaries and back!

Would you go on holiday with this?

Gok'd!

Milly Molly got Gok'd!

1st pair of jeans and 1st jacket in the 1st shop we go into.

Bought.

100 quid in 5 mins.My work here done.

That's shopping Clairey Fairey styley.

COCK

I thought everyone would like to see the cock who keeps emailing me photos of his cock.
That way he might stop.
It's all a bit boring, and a bit, well, ginger..and I'm not likely to go there again.

And besides, why would I wanna look at whitebait, when I can have whale?.....

Does anybody remember.....

Just wondered if anyone remembered that song by David Bowie and Pat Metheny "This is Not America".....sha la la la la larrr??
Well Spikey Mickey has released a re-mixed version of it, its called "This is Not a Knocking Shop"......sha la la la la iarrr......

Yes it is.......

And yes that is Prince Charles doing the bins.....we only get quality bin men in the Village........

Spikey saves the day......

After near disaster on Monday when the Bin Men didn't turn up (this was compounded by 'Goody Two Shoe's' Heifer bringing the bins back in even though they where still full!!!!) Spikey Mikey using his acute sense of hearing picked up the sound of the Bin Wagon, ran out, gathered the bins and overlooked their emptying and brought the empties back in, all this while the other residents slept soundly. An act worthy of his status in the village!!!!!!

OTT......

Even thought the residents of the village are aware that this is a low reception area and a quality TV antenna is required....it would appear that Alicks and Heifer's new aerial was a little excessive.......

Spikey be afraid, be very afraid..

God give me strength......

Seems like i spoke too soon. I've just put the bins and the recycling box's out(brownie points please) and low and behold there's paper in the glass and tins box!!!!!!!

Ha Ha Ha thats wot u get......

It would appear that Head Girl(although its only a rumour!!) Heifer's little plan to have all the residents Butt F*@ked by the water board has back fired, as Spikey Mikey and the beautiful ClairyFairy are on water meters. Turns out Heifer is not.....and she use's the least water cos she's hardly here. Eh maybe you might just shut the f*@k up in future......now there's justice for you....paying for what you don't use instead of what you do!!!!!

Is it Alicks is it.........

New evidence has come to light that Alicks may actually be Mr Magoo and not as first thought Penfold although he could be the illegitimate son of both fathers...!!!!

....you know her so well........

And for those of you that know her this picture says it all!!!!!

Betty Boop we love you.........

Now the secrets out ClairyFairy is Betty Boop just look at the picture's its obvious....

Paper...Steel...Glass...

Not only have the bins not been put out but after our in depth talk ClairyFairy seems to have grasped the concept that paper is in fact not the same as glass or steel and has started to separate the waste accordingly....

After a very successful St.George's night celebrations in The CowPat Arms, Pervyn has made enough money to hire a Polish immigrant to cut his grass......

Meet The Parents

The 'Rents are coming.
God give me bagloads of patience to cope with:

• Are you eating?
• Are you dressing sensibly?
• Are you still going out with that chap?

No
No
No

End of. You've got what you came for, now go home ;o))

Spikey Mikey is in shock because its now Sunday morning over 24 hrs before the bin men are due and the bins have not been put out by ClairyFairy. Is she ill, can she not fine a suitable pair of Alexander McQueens to carry out the task in (work it baby!!) mmmmmmm who knows maybe its because i had a quiet word yesterday that we would still pay the same council tax no matter how early she put them out.

Confessions of a Spikey Window Cleaner

Spikey's clearly feeling the pressure of bad press.
We all know he doesn't put out the bins. BUT neither does he help Heifer move her furniture. And she looks old. And she has a bad back. And she's a woman. Heifer is not feeling the Spikey love, even though Spikey is convinced she fancies him.This is a genetic male defect. All men think that every woman fancies them. Being sarcastic and withering in tone to them, will only make them think that you want to shag them even more. (Name Check: Ginger Beard)
In any case, he's cleaned all our windows today. Well, he didn't clean Heifer's, but he did clean mine.Therefore, I will be publicising Spikey's neighbourly crimes and misdemeanours more often, and Heifer and Spikey will just have to have it out or have it off over the adjoining wall!

Grazia

Box ticking in the office with Pepperpot yesterday.

She was all 'Grazia' Magazine:

* Who you gonna vote for in the General Election?

* What colour varnish shall I get my nails painted?

* Is there a God?
* Harem or skinny Cargo Pants?
I was too busy checking out the Xmas Party pull-potential to hear anything but white noise.

So M soz for being graphically distracted by a gorgeous, grungy geek, here goes:
* Holding out to see if anyone offers me cash for votes
*Coral, greige or mint green are so now, dahling
* Yeah he's called Glen
* Skinny Cargo's a la Balmain. Harems are for belly dancers.

The back of Pepperpot's Head

Head Girl

Head Girl, Heifer, girlfriend of Alicks (see earlier blog!) has spent the last 10 months trying to get the Water Board to charge ALL of us residents of The Old Library for our water useage - even though they DON'T KNOW WE EXIST.
Yes people, free water for 10 months with no prospect of having to pay....were it not for Head Girl, Heifer. She called them once a week, every week, for a month, every month, for 10 months until they came out and found out we did actually exist.Today.
Heifer on the doorstop with the man in the Hi-Flo. She had even taken the afternoon off work to make sure the Water man did indeed actually find us. Which he did. Even though up until today we didn't actually exist.
Heifer can H2O off!

CowPatriotic Arms

St George's Day at The Cowpat's

It's taken a whole day of bunting and flag erecting, and I've seen a fair bit of old-age bum cleavage out on the ladders, but finally The Cowpat's is dressed appropriately for the St George's Day party tomorrow night.

Considering that Pervyn is Welsh and Leaner is Swedish, hosting a party to celebrate an English Saint's Day is slightly ironic, but hey if it brings in the punters...

And the punters will be pouring through the doors at 7pm tomorrow night as they are putting on more of their notorious 'Live Music'....Apparently, it's an Tribute Act, called "AMY WINEDUCK". Even I haven't got any words for that....!

BabyDaddy

...is here. He's all tears and fears.
I would be crying too if I were wearing those red & black trainers.

Like 2 giant Ladybirds on his feet.

Day 24 of BabyDaddy's Big Ginger Beard
I've realised who he reminds me of now.......

Chiseldon Car Parking Chaos

Slimmers' World at the Community Centre tonight meant bun fight for Parking Spaces. Kinda ironic seeing as exercise is one of the key ways to lose weight...they should be WALKING to Slimmers' World, not driving!

Forget red days and green days.

My Diet Tip: Don't Eat, Drink (Gin and Slimline).

Might get Scurvy, but at least you will be thin.

Dear Nev....

I saw this and thought of you.

Thanks for never shouting at me when I jabbed my laptop screen with my false nail and cracked it. The screen that is..the nail was fine.